Clearly Nebulous

Save Sakineh -- and others like her...

Although her stoning apparently has been suspended, Iranian mother Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani still faces a death sentence for having an "illicit relationship." She has already endured 99 lashes, and will likely be hanged. 

It is not known for certain what became of the two men involved, but since women must be proven innocent and men must be proven guilty in these cases, it almost always results in no punishment for males.

The estimate of 5000 "honor killings" worldwide each year is probably far lower than the actual number.

This article reports that apparently "honor killings" are on the rise, and not just in Muslim countries -- the majority of reported deaths occur in the U.K. (But of course, the numbers reported are far lower than the actual crimes committed.) While the author argues that the motivation is religious, not simply misogynistic, I believe that this barbaric practice is dis-using religious beliefs to justify the most heinous oppression of women. Ain't nothing more misogynist than killing a woman simply for seeking to live a normal life.

A website started by Sakineh's two sons tells her story and has a petition asking for her release. (And there is a facebook page as well.) It has attracted the attention of some celebrities, but it deserves everyone's attention on its own merit. We cannot continue to let extremists hijack a peaceful religion, and stopping the murders of innocent women is one of the most compelling reasons to speak out.

Trig Lesson

I was lucky enough to attend the Susan B. Anthony List's Celebration of Life Breakfast last month to hear Sarah Palin speak. I was hoping to have a picture, alas, my camera battery was dead. But you can see the speech in its entirety here on C-SPAN's website. (You can observe that she gave a shout-out to Team Sarah -- I proudly stood up and maybe she glanced my way.)

You know, that was the speech that the mainstream media's only point worth noting seemed to be how Palin made a reference to "grizzly moms." And that's a shame, since she had some great, woman-empowering statements.

                                                

She quoted Ronald Reagan, who -- when challenged by some stuffy Brits as to why he thought Margaret Thatcher, a woman, would make a magnificent Prime Minister -- responded "Well, you had a Queen named Victoria who did pretty well."

Palin felt that Thatcher never set out to be a "woman prime minister" just a prime minister. She quoted Dame Thatcher, "In politics, you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

Sarah mentioned that her favorite tea party sign was one that said "My Kid is not Your ATM" and her favorite campaign button was a little pink elephant with "It's a Girl!" She then predicted a stampede of pink elephants this November. She declared how proud she was of all the moms who are rising up to say "Now that's enough!"

She spoke of a side of feminism that liberals seem to have forgotten: "It's influenced by the pioneering spirit of our foremothers, who went in wagon trains across the wilderness, and they settled in homesteads. And these were tough, independent pioneering mothers, whose work was as valuable as any man's on the frontier. ... They went where no woman had gone before."

But I have to say that the story that I really took to heart was about her son, Trig.

"Trig has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and to the Palin family... he's 2 years old now -- he'll wake up and he pulls himself up to the top of the crib there. He looks around and he rubs his sleepy little eyes, and even though the day's going to be challenging, he starts applauding. First thing in the morning, he looks around clapping like, 'Woohoo! What are you going to do with me now?' And I -- oh man, shouldn't we all? That's what we're learning from our boy."

And since I heard that story, I may not wake up applauding, but I have been rising to greet the day with more gratitude, more appreciation for all the ways I have been blessed in this life and all the opportunities that lie before me.

Thanks, Trig!

Miss U('ve-Gone-too-Far).S.A.

I have always loved the two major pageants, Miss America and Miss USA. And I have watched them year in and year out with my daughters. Sure it's tricky terrain -- how do you reconcile beauty contests and feminist ideals? Well, I have always felt, and have always taught my daughters, that women can be smart and beautiful and there is nothing wrong with either one.

While trying very hard not to sound catty, I voice my opinion during the broadcasts when I think that a contestant is too thin or obviously had a boob job. Because yes, there is a fine line between sultry and slutty. And I feel I know when it's been crossed.

And with this year's "fashion photo shoots" I'm afraid the Miss USA competition has crossed that line. I was uncomfortable with some of the shots that were shown during last year's competition, but these latest pictures have pushed even farther. Fish net stockings, bustiers and garters are fine for an adult crowd -- but not for my daughters. 

I don't want them to think that sex is what will get them farther in life and I don't want them to think that playing into sexual stereotypes is what garners attention. While I also don't want them to think that prancing around in a skimpy bathing suit is essential to their success, there is nothing wrong with being fit and looking good.

Just like I don't buy the arguments from law school students who think they are "laughing their way to an education" as they earn their tuition at Hooter's, I don't buy that this step was necessary to attract attention. Donald Trump has mocked the more prudent Miss America officials, pointing out that their organization is suffering in the ratings department.

So you got your publicity and it may lead to better ratings -- but at what cost to women, Mr. Trump?

A poll on Good Morning America's website indicated that over 50% of those who responded feel that the Miss USA officials have gone too far this time. I concur, and we won't be watching this time. It might be too much to hope that a sufficient dip in the ratings will show Trump & co. that we're just not buying what they're selling, but I can dream...

(And I can also dream that there will be sufficient advertising for the Miss America pageant so we can tune in to show our support for their family-friendly -- and truly women-empowering -- ideals!)

It will be hard to top watching Miss Virginia win the Miss America crown... but we'll be tuning in!

"A Woman Hit More than Once is not a Victim but a Volunteer"

Harsh woods, blaming the victim? The man who said that, Gavin de Becker, doesn't think so. His reasoning? If a woman is hit once by a man, sure, staying with him might not be totally ruled out because there is the rare instance in which he will never do it again. (However, he cautions not only is this an unlikely scenario, but it also takes a lot of work.)

But when a woman stays with a man after being hit more than once, it is a choice, he says. "Just like leaving is a choice, staying is a choice."

The statistics that de Becker (the author of The Gift of Fear -- a must-buy for every family with daughters) talked about on Oprah are frightening: Of the approximately 3000 murders of women in this country every year, over 2000 are committed by current or former boyfriends or husbands. While, tragically, some of these women had an idea they were at risk and the system failed them -- sometimes the victims never saw it coming.

The Gift of Fear is a great resource that tells women to trust their instincts to stay safe.

So de Becker has devised a means to determine if you may be in a dangerous relationship, and he wants every woman who has even the slightest doubt about her current partner to take advantage of this new test. He said:

"The MOSAIC assessment system developed by my firm is available to anyone who wants to use it, at no cost, via Oprah's website. This allows anyone to diagnose a relationship to determine if it has the combination of factors most associated with escalated violence, and spousal homicide. Spousal homicide has remained a constant in our lives, such that every four hours at least one woman is killed in America by a husband or boyfriend. That uninterrupted and sad statistic can be interrupted and changed --because spousal homicide is the single most preventable serious crime in America -- it always occurs after many warning signs, and after several people are aware of the risk."

No one knows this better now than the friends and family of Yeardley Love, a UVA college student who was killed by a former boyfriend, a star athlete from an upstanding family. Her friends knew he had been abusive, and they gave Yeardley the courage to break up with him, but they all ignored the danger signs that indicated he was capable of such lethal violence. 

Yeardley Love broke up with an abusive boyfriend, but he has admitted killing her in a rage.

It's understandable that no one wants to think that a guy like that could be a potential killer. But better to let the professionals make that call. The president of UVA made an impassioned speech in which he encouraged all the students on campus to report to him personally if they fear for themselves or another student's safety. We can only hope that colleges across the country will follow suit.

But one father wants everyone to know that this can happen to even younger women. Gary Cuccia's daughter, Demi, was killed by a former boyfriend at the age of 16. He is advocating that awareness about the signs of an abusive relationship be taught in junior high.

In an appearance on Good Morning America he warned that one in three teens have been abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend, one in ten physically. He encourages parents to talk to their daughters about "one strike and he's out." And that abuse can include controlling behavior like isolation -- trying to make her dump her friends, activities, or hobbies -- focusing only on him.

Girls need to tell their parents if they're receiving harassing calls or text messages on their cell phones or are being harassed on social networks. Sometimes, all it will take is a male figure to step in and make sure the offender gets the message that he is to stop all contact. But if that doesn't work, parents shouldn't be afraid to call the authorities.

Personally I don't think enough is being done to stop this sort of behavior -- getting to the root of why a young man becomes so obsessive. But that's a discussion for another day...

Lastly, tell your daughters -- and encourage them to tell their friends -- about resources and websites like these that steer them toward healthy relationships. Their lives could depend on it.

"A Woman Hit More than Once is not a Victim but a Volunteer"

Harsh woods, blaming the victim? The man who said that, Gavin de Becker, doesn't think so. His reasoning? If a woman is hit once by a man, sure, staying with him might not be totally ruled out because there is the rare instance in which he will never do it again. (However, he cautions not only is this an unlikely scenario, but it also takes a lot of work.)

But when a woman stays with a man after being hit more than once, it is a choice, he says. "Just like leaving is a choice, staying is a choice."

The statistics that de Becker (the author of The Gift of Fear -- a must-buy for every family with daughters) talked about on Oprah are frightening: Of the approximately 3000 murders of women in this country every year, over 2000 are committed by current or former boyfriends or husbands. While, tragically, some of these women had an idea they were at risk and the system failed them -- sometimes the victims never saw it coming.

The Gift of Fear is a great resource that tells women to trust their instincts to stay safe.

So de Becker has devised a means to determine if you may be in a dangerous relationship, and he wants every woman who has even the slightest doubt about her current partner to take advantage of this new test. He said:

"The MOSAIC assessment system developed by my firm is available to anyone who wants to use it, at no cost, via Oprah's website. This allows anyone to diagnose a relationship to determine if it has the combination of factors most associated with escalated violence, and spousal homicide. Spousal homicide has remained a constant in our lives, such that every four hours at least one woman is killed in America by a husband or boyfriend. That uninterrupted and sad statistic can be interrupted and changed --because spousal homicide is the single most preventable serious crime in America -- it always occurs after many warning signs, and after several people are aware of the risk."

No one knows this better now than the friends and family of Yeardley Love, a UVA college student who was killed by a former boyfriend, a star athlete from an upstanding family. Her friends knew he had been abusive, and they gave Yeardley the courage to break up with him, but they all ignored the danger signs that indicated he was capable of such lethal violence. 

Yeardley Love broke up with an abusive boyfriend, but he has admitted killing her in a rage.

It's understandable that no one wants to think that a guy like that could be a potential killer. But better to let the professionals make that call. The president of UVA made an impassioned speech in which he encouraged all the students on campus to report to him personally if they fear for themselves or another student's safety. We can only hope that colleges across the country will follow suit.

But one father wants everyone to know that this can happen to even younger women. Gary Cuccia's daughter, Demi, was killed by a former boyfriend at the age of 16. He is advocating that awareness about the signs of an abusive relationship be taught in junior high.

In an appearance on Good Morning America he warned that one in three teens have been abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend, one in ten physically. He encourages parents to talk to their daughters about "one strike and he's out." And that abuse can include controlling behavior like isolation -- trying to make her dump her friends, activities, or hobbies -- focusing only on him.

Girls need to tell their parents if they're receiving harassing calls or text messages on their cell phones or are being harassed on social networks. Sometimes, all it will take is a male figure to step in and make sure the offender gets the message that he is to stop all contact. But if that doesn't work, parents shouldn't be afraid to call the authorities.

Personally I don't think enough is being done to stop this sort of behavior -- getting to the root of why a young man becomes so obsessive. But that's a discussion for another day...

Lastly, tell your daughters -- and encourage them to tell their friends -- about resources and websites like these that steer them toward healthy relationships. Their lives could depend on it.

Illegal is AZ Illegal Does

The question of what to do about illegal immigration in this country has come to a boil over a new law signed in Arizona. I think the facts of this legislation have been lost in the coverage by liberal media outlets. Many incorrect assumptions have been made. Those who support immigrant rights shouldn't be so fast to condemn Gov. Jan Brewer without knowing the truth. 

Jan Brewer with the Governor of Sonora -- the governor of Arizona has been working hard to have good relations with Mexican officials during her administration. No one seems to be reporting that...

 

The truth is -- this state legislation is no different  than the federal laws already on the books. It merely makes a federal crime into a state crime as well. 

Here is the actual, pertinent language: 

“For any lawful contact made by a law enforcement official or agency of this state... where reasonable suspicion exists that the person is an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States, a reasonable attempt shall be made, when practicable, to determine the immigration status of the person.”

Lawful contact. Sorry, but the comparisons to Nazi Germany asking to "zee if your papers are in order" are just not accurate. No one will be arbitrarily pulled aside simply based on how they look. 

Reasonable suspicion. Campbell Brown declared that Latinos in Arizona are going to be afraid to be on the streets. Why? The governor has already declared there will be training to avoid profiling. If you aren't doing anything wrong, and you are here legally -- what is there to fear?

Determine the immigration status. Just like anyone who is stopped by an officer, they will ask for a driver's license or some other form of identification. If the offender can't produce any, they can -- just like anyone else -- be detained. This is in accordance with federal laws that have been upheld by the Supreme Court.

"Abolish Borders" -- seriously?!!

What's really going on here is that Arizona and the GOP are being labeled by liberals as "draconian"-- simply for asking what is already national law to be enforced.

Rather than calling names and posturing -- or boycotting Arizona as lawmakers in San Francisco are considering and other groups are calling for -- those who oppose the legislation should keep the debate where it belongs. 

I personally believe that the U.S. is a great land of opportunity that can accommodate a vast number of those seeking the American dream. AND you have to come here legally.

I have no patience for those who want to keep all immigrants out and who complain about them not learning the language. We are a magnanimous nation. There is plenty of room at the table, and we can work around language barriers.

The state of Arizona is struggling to deal with the estimated billion dollars it costs them to deal with the nearly half-million illegals amongst its 6.6 million legal residents. Violence has spilled across their border. The feds have let them down, so they are taking action.

Perhaps the governor's approach is not the best way to deal with this issue. Rather than frijole swastikas and yelling in the streets, let's get back to a reasonable debate about how we can secure our borders and stop the violence while allowing entry to those in search of a better life.

Illegal is AZ Illegal Does

The question of what to do about illegal immigration in this country has come to a boil over a new law signed in Arizona. I think the facts of this legislation have been lost in the coverage by liberal media outlets. Many incorrect assumptions have been made. Those who support immigrant rights shouldn't be so fast to condemn Gov. Jan Brewer without knowing the truth. 

Jan Brewer with the Governor of Sonora -- the governor of Arizona has been working hard to have good relations with Mexican officials during her administration. No one seems to be reporting that...

 

The truth is -- this state legislation is no different  than the federal laws already on the books. It merely makes a federal crime into a state crime as well. 

Here is the actual, pertinent language: 

“For any lawful contact made by a law enforcement official or agency of this state... where reasonable suspicion exists that the person is an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States, a reasonable attempt shall be made, when practicable, to determine the immigration status of the person.”

Lawful contact. Sorry, but the comparisons to Nazi Germany asking to "zee if your papers are in order" are just not accurate. No one will be arbitrarily pulled aside simply based on how they look. 

Reasonable suspicion. Campbell Brown declared that Latinos in Arizona are going to be afraid to be on the streets. Why? The governor has already declared there will be training to avoid profiling. If you aren't doing anything wrong, and you are here legally -- what is there to fear?

Determine the immigration status. Just like anyone who is stopped by an officer, they will ask for a driver's license or some other form of identification. If the offender can't produce any, they can -- just like anyone else -- be detained. This is in accordance with federal laws that have been upheld by the Supreme Court.

"Abolish Borders" -- seriously?!!

What's really going on here is that Arizona and the GOP are being labeled by liberals as "draconian"-- simply for asking what is already national law to be enforced.

Rather than calling names and posturing -- or boycotting Arizona as lawmakers in San Francisco are considering and other groups are calling for -- those who oppose the legislation should keep the debate where it belongs. 

I personally believe that the U.S. is a great land of opportunity that can accommodate a vast number of those seeking the American dream. AND you have to come here legally.

I have no patience for those who want to keep all immigrants out and who complain about them not learning the language. We are a magnanimous nation. There is plenty of room at the table, and we can work around language barriers.

The state of Arizona is struggling to deal with the estimated billion dollars it costs them to deal with the nearly half-million illegals amongst its 6.6 million legal residents. Violence has spilled across their border. The feds have let them down, so they are taking action.

Perhaps the governor's approach is not the best way to deal with this issue. Rather than frijole swastikas and yelling in the streets, let's get back to a reasonable debate about how we can secure our borders and stop the violence while allowing entry to those in search of a better life.

"R" Parents Aren't Cool

Another study has been released that indicates that children who are exposed to R-rated movies are more likely to engage in "sensation seeking" and "risk taking."

This one shows that kids who are allowed to watch R movies are more likely to be underage drinkers. Other studies have shown that exposure to films for more mature audiences leads to smoking, sex, and violent behavior at a young age.

My husband and I have always been sticklers about not letting our kids watch movies we felt they were too young for -- just ask my oldest (and probably all our other kids) how sick she was (they are) of the word "inappropriate." But I found that it wasn't enough just to enforce rules in our own home.

Some parents think R-rated movies are harmless. This may be true for their kids, but you have to decide what you want for your own -- even if you think they are mature or do not exhibit risky traits.

Whenever we allow a sleepover at a new house, we mention to the friends' parents our wishes about movies. We headed off a viewing of the PG-13 Mean Girls by 11-year-olds when a mom told us she thought it would teach a good lesson about choosing nice friends. Her heart was in the right place, but when I explained that I had checked it out and told her about some of the scenes... Well, she agreed it was not a movie for pre-teens.

And thankfully there are all kinds of sites on the web which give the exact content and grade all movies that are released in theaters. (There are also sites that suggest family-friendly movies to rent or go see for those families that are struggling to find something for the enjoyment of all.) Hollywood is always doing their best to sneak in as much lewdness, violence and sensationalism as they can. As parents, we have to be vigilant.

I'm not naive enough to think that simply keeping my kids from watching unsuitable movies will prevent dangerous behavior -- but the proof is in the studies. It can make a difference, so why wouldn't I make the choice to shield my children?

Embracing Our "Motherhood Badges of Honor"

I've been struggling with continuing this blog -- is it worth my time to comment? So I haven't written in a while... So what finally compelled me to put my thoughts out there today?

Apparently childbearing "ruins" your body -- and so Jillian Michaels, the fitness guru from The Biggest Loser says she will only adopt because:

"I can't handle doing that to my body."

Okay... I really don't want to psychoanalyze this woman, but it seems to me that if you aren't willing to make the "sacrifice" of having your life not be picture perfect in order to bear a child, maybe you should not adopt a child either... But that's not why I wanted to write.

We all know there are plenty of women out there who have gone through childbirth and look just fabulous -- Demi Moore has been very outspoken, the reluctant Julia Roberts finally gave it a go, even the mom of octuplets, Nadya Suleman looks great in a bikini.

Some may have had help surgically (like Patricia Heaton who has not shied from revealing the procedures she has had) or otherwise (when you can afford the personal trainers and chefs -- and have the time -- why not?) but they all have taken the risk and now look ship-shape.

And then there are those of us with what I like to call "Motherhood Badges of Honor." We have imperfect bodies and we don't care. We don't want plastic surgery -- we just throw on some Spanx and we're good to go. Or not.

Motherhood can take its toll on a woman's figure -- but it's all for a great cause, right? Why not just own it? Sure I'm working out and intend to lose some more weight, and hopefully the Pilates will make my tummy look slimmer.

But I know there is a flab of skin that will never go away without surgical intervention -- and I don't care. That pocket of flesh once cradled the head of one of my twins. Totally worth it.

And as a testament to how proud I am of giving birth, and how much I don't car what it did to my body, I post the following picture that shows the Battle Scar Galactica. Ain't it something?

 

 

Motherhood is about sacrifices. If you don't realize that -- don't even bother.

If you agree with me -- and want to post a picture of your own Badge of Honor/Battle Scar to this site, just email a .jpg to lovehateoprah@live.com

SNL's Will Forte Catches up to FFL's "Herstory"

Well look who just caught up! Will Forte had a pretty funny bit on Weekend Update last week on SNL where he recognized that March is Women's History Month, "Or should I say herstory?" Forte asked.

 

Pretty funny song, although -- as Seth Meyers points out at the end -- Emily Dickinson was known for her poems not books! (warning: a little bit of slightly crude language) 

Well,  Feminists for Life of America has been honoring women each March for years now with their Herstory Worth Repeating profiles of the founding foremothers of feminism.

Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and all the women who first fought for women's rights were, without exception, pro-life feminists. FFL has featured the stories of many of these great feminist pioneers in their newsletter and on their website.

Today's featured profile is Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman to receive a degree from an American medical school. In her diary, she wrote this about a notorious female abortionist of her day :

Elizabeth Blackwell, the first American female physician, was a pro-life feminist.

"The gross perversion and destruction of motherhood by the abortionist filled me with indignation... That the honorable term 'female physician' should be exclusively applied to those women who carried on this shocking trade seemed to me a horror. It was an utter degradation of what might and should become a noble position for women…. I finally determined to do what I could do 'to redeem the hells,' and especially the one form of hell thus forced upon my notice."

Be sure to check out more of the stories of these brave women throughout the month -- you can sign up for emails and/or membership on the website.