Milestones

It's been over a month since I wrote -- first due to a crashed hard drive, and then the holidays, and then... life. Or should I say, death.

I sit down to write with the heaviest of hearts. My oldest brother, Mark, who had been diagnosed with a slow-growing but malignant skin cancer back in July of last year, took a turn for the worse over the past couple weeks due to an untreatable infection. I went down to see him, just a couple days too late. He could no longer truly communicate. I like to believe he could still hear me when I told him that we were all thinking of him and loved him... He died just an hour after I left.

I know things like this happen every day. I know that there are those who suffer much greater and more difficult losses. I know this is something I can deal with. 

I just don't know what to do with myself. I am in territory that I find totally surreal and unfamiliar. Now I am referring to the guy I whipped up the dance floor with, the brother who let me stay up late when he babysat, the man who had the heartiest of laughs -- now I am calling him a "body," and soon "remains" after he is cremated tomorrow.

From here on out, this time will be referred to "after Mark died."

And there is the struggle with being angry at him for not taking care of himself. He had a nursing degree, for crying out loud. He had a similar lesion removed from the other side of his face. Why didn't he get the treatment he needed in time?!

Of course, the answer to that is a complicated one. My brother had many troubles in his lifetime, and unfortunately it culminated in this premature path to death. It is so hard to wrap my head around how anyone could not do their damndest to stay in this beautiful world...

But of course, my family and I must push past all that. We need to forget anything bad and just remember the good. We must now turn to helping his daughter and his three grandsons make their way without him.

One thing I do know, I will not ever commemorate the day of his death. My brother was born on July 3rd. When my family would go to see the fireworks in downtown Chicago on that date every year, Mark would always say how nice it was for the city to throw him such a wonderful birthday celebration.

So from now on, as I watch the fireworks each year, I will remember my big brother and what a fiery force he was...

 My brother Mark and 5 of my children, in November 2000. It was the last time I really saw him...

Comments

[ChunLing]

He who you loved was never a 'body' before. Why reduce him to that now?

Then again, it is true that I cannot understand how humans view death. Certainly, your own body rejects the concept as a simple biological necessity. But I have no experience with the mental confusion between the body and the self which seems to be at the root of many such elements of 'humanity'. It does not seem terribly logical.

But perhaps there is joy to be found in illogical feelings. That there is suffering is no doubt the case, as you must know better than I. But I think reunions are sweeter to those who can feel the pain of separation.

[Mary J. Goedert]

Dear Colette,
Your blog ab out Mark was so beautiful. I am so sorry I was not able to go to the Memorial, but I was and have been thinking of Ron and all of you at this difficult time. You and your family are all in my prayers. I never go to know Mark very well as I was in the convent when he was born. But I do remember, my mother saying how one day he came up to her apartment with his little suitcase and sasid he was leaving. ( I think he was about 5) After a little discussion and not much persuasion, he changed his mind. The picture of him with you and your kids is so nice! I just remembered I have a picture of him, Mary Ann and Little Jer with me on the day I received the habit in St. Louis. The looked to be about 7 or 8. If I can figure out how to get it online, I will send it to you.
Love and prayers,
Mary Joan