Harsh woods, blaming the victim? The man who said that, Gavin de Becker, doesn't think so. His reasoning? If a woman is hit once by a man, sure, staying with him might not be totally ruled out because there is the rare instance in which he will never do it again. (However, he cautions not only is this an unlikely scenario, but it also takes a lot of work.)
But when a woman stays with a man after being hit more than once, it is a choice, he says. "Just like leaving is a choice, staying is a choice."
The statistics that de Becker (the author of The Gift of Fear -- a must-buy for every family with daughters) talked about on Oprah are frightening: Of the approximately 3000 murders of women in this country every year, over 2000 are committed by current or former boyfriends or husbands. While, tragically, some of these women had an idea they were at risk and the system failed them -- sometimes the victims never saw it coming.
The Gift of Fear is a great resource that tells women to trust their instincts to stay safe.
So de Becker has devised a means to determine if you may be in a dangerous relationship, and he wants every woman who has even the slightest doubt about her current partner to take advantage of this new test. He said:
"The MOSAIC assessment system developed by my firm is available to anyone who wants to use it, at no cost, via Oprah's website. This allows anyone to diagnose a relationship to determine if it has the combination of factors most associated with escalated violence, and spousal homicide. Spousal homicide has remained a constant in our lives, such that every four hours at least one woman is killed in America by a husband or boyfriend. That uninterrupted and sad statistic can be interrupted and changed --because spousal homicide is the single most preventable serious crime in America -- it always occurs after many warning signs, and after several people are aware of the risk."
No one knows this better now than the friends and family of Yeardley Love, a UVA college student who was killed by a former boyfriend, a star athlete from an upstanding family. Her friends knew he had been abusive, and they gave Yeardley the courage to break up with him, but they all ignored the danger signs that indicated he was capable of such lethal violence.
Yeardley Love broke up with an abusive boyfriend, but he has admitted killing her in a rage.
It's understandable that no one wants to think that a guy like that could be a potential killer. But better to let the professionals make that call. The president of UVA made an impassioned speech in which he encouraged all the students on campus to report to him personally if they fear for themselves or another student's safety. We can only hope that colleges across the country will follow suit.
But one father wants everyone to know that this can happen to even younger women. Gary Cuccia's daughter, Demi, was killed by a former boyfriend at the age of 16. He is advocating that awareness about the signs of an abusive relationship be taught in junior high.
In an appearance on Good Morning America he warned that one in three teens have been abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend, one in ten physically. He encourages parents to talk to their daughters about "one strike and he's out." And that abuse can include controlling behavior like isolation -- trying to make her dump her friends, activities, or hobbies -- focusing only on him.
Girls need to tell their parents if they're receiving harassing calls or text messages on their cell phones or are being harassed on social networks. Sometimes, all it will take is a male figure to step in and make sure the offender gets the message that he is to stop all contact. But if that doesn't work, parents shouldn't be afraid to call the authorities.
Personally I don't think enough is being done to stop this sort of behavior -- getting to the root of why a young man becomes so obsessive. But that's a discussion for another day...
Lastly, tell your daughters -- and encourage them to tell their friends -- about resources and websites like these that steer them toward healthy relationships. Their lives could depend on it.
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